My posse

I'm just a 16 year old girl writing about the story of me. The loves in my life and the struggles in my life.
And the story of my posse.

When I first started this blog, the "posse" in the title was my siblings. As the eldest child in a family of 7 children, (Since then becoming 8!) I always had/have an abundance of silly stories about them to tell.
In the summer of 2012, I experienced a huge change in my heart and spirit.
If you visit my "old" and "new" categories on my sidebar, you can read the difference.

I thought about changing the title of my blog to match my content change and the fact that I barely ever write about my siblings anymore, but decided against it because I couldn't think of a better title.

For King and Country chose their band name because they wanted to be known for their King (Jesus) and their country (Heaven). I loved that when I heard it.
The posse I belong to and represent is bigger than (though not excluding) my seven siblings.

When I looked up the definition of the word "posse" I found (among several urban definitions) the Latin origin which is "to have power".

I also found this definition: A group of men whom the sheriff may call on to assist in keeping order.

Jesus is the sheriff. And I? I'm a member of His posse.

"Remember who you represent."

Secrets and Tumblr

I made a tumblr account.

I had one reason for this: I was looking for someone.

Usually, when people want you to find them online, they'll tell you their username. Their email address. Their webpage title.

I had none of that. Just. "I made a blog on tumblr. You have to find it. Good luck."

It was like treasure hunting, or virtual hide-and-go-seek.

But it got me thinking.

If I had a secret blog, what would I do with it?

First of all, it's appealing because it would be new and clean. No old posts that are no longer "me". I could really recreate myself, couldn't I? Into whatever I wanted to be.

But it's also place to 'publicly' write my thoughts out where no one that knew me would read it. A place just for strangers to read me.

To be honest, there are things I would post there that I wouldn't post other places where I know who follows me.
I have a lot to say that I sometimes hesitate over.

I considered it. I had my account open. A username that wasn't my real name.

Just an empty tumblr profile. Ready for me to write to my hearts content.

But then I closed the window and opened up my google blogger blog and began to write.

It's still tempting. Tempting enough that I might do it.

Or maybe I won't, and I'll keep writing here.

Instead of recreating, I'll show my transformations.

Instead of bravely writing to strangers (or no one), maybe I'll slowly become braver and let those who know me read and think and judge.

Failing (You are good)

Funny how Monday was the biggest joy boost I've gotten in awhile, and yet I'm writing a post about failing.

Lately, I've been feeling a little bit like I'm failing.

Failing at what?

Failing at listening. Failing at doing. Failing at taking opportunities. Failing at being bold enough.

Failing at being the little light in the world that I want to be.

Someone told me the other day (after an incident that shook me) that I was good.

All I wanted was to be better.

Monday night, I got the reminder that... My goodness? Has nothing to do with Gods goodness. I mean in the way that His goodness is not affected by my own. No matter how much I fail at listening, doing, taking opportunities and being the good in the world, He's still the same.

As if my wrong or right doings could change the goodness of the God of the universe.

No good that I do is out of my own goodness. It's all because of Him. Because *He* is good.

He prayed for boldness and obedience. And I held my hands out in receiving. Cause I could use a little bit of that.
Couldn't we all?

Opportunity

I want to be remembered.

I want to leave a mark on the world.

Except... I don't want to leave *my* mark.



I used to have fear about dying... About death.

I don't anymore.

Except for the question that if I died tomorrow, did I accomplish what I should have?

When I think what I want with my life, what I want to be remembered for... My prayer is the same one that my pastor prayed before and after his sermon the other Sunday... "Let anything that is *me* fall to the wayside and be forgotten and all that is of You be remembered."

I never want to miss an opportunity to be Jesus in flesh.

Maybe I'm missing an opportunity now.