it's who i am

I've had a theme song lately that's been shaping how I see myself.

I finished my last exam today and I did well, but man... These past couple weeks have been *hard*.

Maybe you could tell by my last post... I've been struggling with a cloud of inadequacy hanging over me.

So, this has been on repeat. Drilling into my head that I have a good, good Father.

And I?
I am *loved by Him*.
It's *who I am*.

Not only am I loved by Him, but His love is my *identity*.

How can I be inadequate when loved is who I am?

There's something else I've been chewing on something since starting school and that is - so many people go through life CHOOSING to believe that they just "happened".
Even through all my feelings of inadequacy, I never doubted that I had a purpose. I just felt like maybe I've been missing it or I haven't found it yet. That my purpose wasn't what I thought it was.

But I was never purposeless.

So this morning, I got up before the sun and headed out to my bus stop for the last time this semester.
I got on the bus and plugged in my earphones. The bus, however loud and noisy it is, has been a place where a substantial amount of my "me and Jesus" time has happened over the past few months.

I'm forced to sit still for an hour, sometimes more, each way to and from school.
Earphones in. Eyes shut. "Speak to me, Father."

But today, as this song started playing... I knew that it was who *I* am...

But my mind wandered to the man sitting across from me and the people all around me...

Loved isn't just who I am... Loved is who he is, too.

Does he know who he is? What about the woman behind him? Does she?

Or are they choosing to live purposeless?

In Prince Caspian, Aslan says, "you doubt your value. Do not run from who you are."

The world is running from who they are.
But will any amount of running ever change your identity? Or your value? Or your purpose?
I would say not.

When something *is* who you are down to your very core, you can't do anything to stop it.

That's why so many people live unsatisfied and discontented.
They refuse to find and embrace who they are. They're still running. Doubting.

And that's why you can tell me as many times as you want that I'm crazy or stupid or delusional, or put all your energy into trying to convince me that God doesn't exist and I'll still have a twinkle in my eye and confidence in my heart.

It makes laughter bubble up inside of me because I know who I am. And no matter what you believe, I know who you are, too.

I am loved, and so are you.

It's who I am. It's who you are. It's who we are.

We can choose to take that and run with it, or choose to leave it and run from it.

The choice is simple, isn't it?

Don't doubt your value, don't run from who you are.

You are loved by a good, good Father.

*It's who you are.*

falling short - my strength in life.

At the beginning of the semester, I was confident that I could change the world. 

Now, I'm not so sure. 

I've worked and worked and worked only to be looked over. 
My thoughts don't matter. My opinions don't matter. 

I'm not smart enough, wise enough, generous enough, loving enough, kind enough, charismatic enough, joyful enough, peaceful enough, patient enough, gentle enough.

Good enough.

How could *I* change the world, when I can't get a single person to truly *hear* me. 

When I don't get A+ on my finals. 
When she's the most generous person in the world. 
When he is wiser. 
When everyone likes him, and she's always so friendly and kind. 

I snapped this week. 

I let my heart open up and let in self doubt, jealousy, resentment...

But how can I change the world like that? Obviously I can't.

Teach me, Father.

Teach me to be generous. Teach me to love. Help me be kind. 
If You want me to use my voice, give me a platform so I can shout Your name to the world. 
Give me patience. Give me joy. Show me how to be gentle. Grant me wisdom.

I can't be smart, wise, generous, loving, kind, charismatic, joyful, peaceful, patient or gentle. Not on my own. 

But then I remember. And it's like a weight is lifted off my shoulders and the sun breaks through my storm cloud. 

I am *not* those things. 
But *HE* is. 

My strength in life is that *I am His*. 

He's the one who gives wisdom, joy and peace. He is the perfect example of love, patience and gentleness. 

And my soul delights, because *I am His*. 

"And this is the secret: Christ lives in you. This gives you assurance of sharing his glory."
Colossians 1:27

He lives in me and because of that, I can be wiser. I can love. I can be patient. I can have peace. I can be generous. I can be kind. I can have joy. I can be gentle. 

I'm alive to bring Him glory. His will on earth is all I'm living for. 

All I have to do is let go of myself and let Him work through me. I can change the world.

Because He's good

I couldn't take my eyes off of her. I tried at first. After all, I was leading a group of about forty kids... Looking away from one for a moment shouldn't be too hard.
And then I got to my second last song.

A song about the goodness of God.

I started playing, queuing my brother who was drumming along, laughing at my friends and sisters dancing... and just as I started singing, she caught my eye again.
"I sing because You are good"

Her face broke into the biggest smile you can imagine as she threw her arms in the air, motioning the sound of song being projected from her mouth.
I smiled at her enthusiasm. As a worship leader, I try to create that excitement, and "success" is sweet every time.

"And I dance because You are good"

The smile I thought couldn't get any bigger expands as she spins and stomps her feet waving her hands with abandon.

"I shout because You are good; You are good to me"

Her shout of "yeah!" Is interrupted by the laughter that bubbles up and spills out and I don't try to take my eyes off of her anymore. My fingers are familiar with the chord pattern and the lyrics are ingrained into my mind... so my lyrics and chord sheet sit, unwatched on the music stand as I turn all my attention on her with interest.

When I get to the bridge, my voice chokes as I sing, and she sings with me, "with a cry of praise my heart will proclaim that You are good, You are good. In the sun or rain my life celebrates that You are good."

How many of us truly live our lives as a celebration of Gods goodness?

I saw an article the other day titled, "God may not have a wonderful plan for your life".
And I beg to differ.

God is good. All the time.

And He has a wonderful, yes wonderful, plan for your life.

Even if the wonderful plan doesn't mean a constantly wonderful existence.

We teach in Sunday school nearly every week about a "big picture".

I think we do that because life sucks sometimes, but there's always a wonderful "big picture".

And little P, she has a much less than wonderful existence a lot of the time. I've seen her frustrated because I didn't know what she wanted and she can't communicate with me the way she wants to. Countless doctors appointments...
That's not wonderful.

But still, in that moment, her life was a celebration of His goodness in a way I only hope mine is.