Deserving.

"I need to fall in love with Jesus again. 

The kind of love where nothing else matters. 

The kind of love where, if everyone I loved began to hate me, I could continue dancing because I. Am. Loved. 

I know I'm loved. 

I know know know know it in my very core.

And in the deepest part of me, I know nothing can touch me.

But there are layers above and around that little middle bit of me. 

Layers that make me bitter towards people and layers that make me jealous and layers that make me want... To be perfect.

And layers that are addicted to earning and deserving. 

Sometimes, I think I deserve love - or rather - actions and displays of love. 

Not always by any means, but sometimes, it feels like I do.

When I'm nice, they'll be nice back. Right?

There's a demon inside of me, and the layers are his home. He loves getting what he deserves, so long as he deserves affection. 

This little demon will create and say things to get approval.

And the approval is sweet.

He doesn't know that I'm always approved of. I'm always loved.

And the love that loves me always? Is never deserved.

But this little demon living inside of me doesn't care for the love that's given. 

He craves a love that's earned.

So he works in my mind. Convincing me to try harder, work faster... Earn, earn, earn.

And as long as I earn, we live at peace, my demon and me.

But when I fail...

"Disappointed."

He turns on me with a vengeance.

And, hungry, he begins to devour me. 

I need to fall in love with Jesus again.

The kind of love where nothing else matters.

The kind of love that casts out fear. 

The kind of love I don't need to earn. 

The kind of love that gives me the ability to truly love and be loved in return. "