Deeper Than My Feet Could Ever Wander...

This weekend was Tehillah extended. More will be coming from that later. Incredible things happened that I can't wait to write more about!

---------------------------------------

"Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior..."

I guess I never really understood that line completely, but I sang it and prayed it because I knew I wanted it.
Where can my feet wander on their own? I don't even know! I don't know if I can simply wander into any relationship with God... I couldn't, could I? But if God wants to take me deeper, I want in!

Then it hit me...

I could wander into a church with exciting music and I could experience God there.
I could feel his presence and rededicate my life every alter call like I've watched so many people do... Yet I might not truly change.

I could rededicate my life every Friday at youth group and go out partying every Saturday and continue that cycle every week...

I could feel good about my experiences with God and truly believe I knew Him and that He was changing me...

But I'd be wandering. Not going anywhere in particular.

Do I want that? Do I want feel good experiences and to wander in and out? Is that good enough?

Or do I want to be truly changed?

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders...

Change me in real ways that I couldn't imagine on my own.

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander.

Sloppy, Wet, and Completely Foreseen.

Isn't that a lovely song? Or did you notice "that line"? The one the more conservative people falter at...

"So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss and my heart turns violently inside of my chest. I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way He loves us."

Isn't it beautiful, though? The imagery might be a little graphic for some, but it gives me shivers. Heaven didn't simply come and give earth a little peck on the cheek... It was a passionate messy exchange between lovers. Not a reserved display of affection leaving us unsatisfied and wanting more... but an abandoned display of reckless love leaving us no choice but to sing "Oh, how He loves us..." One that takes away every regret and shame and clothes us in acceptance and forgiveness.

There are alternate lyrics.

"So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss..."

I struggle with that. Because... Did it? The imagery is more benign, but it it true?

Was Jesus' coming really unforeseen? I find it harder to sing those alternate lyrics... Because that's the wonderful thing about the coming of Jesus. He was promised and prophesied. Over and over and over.
We were waiting, longing for and anticipating this kiss. It was a fulfillment of prophesy and a long awaited rescue. It was everything foreseen.

The only thing that was maybe unforeseen was the humble way in which He came.

But the passionate act of love and salvation, though undeserved, was promised and waited for. Like rain in the desert. Like the sun that melts the snow.

Thank you Jesus for the sloppy, wet, passionate, and promised kiss you placed on this earth.

Oh... How He loves us.

Remember that night?

An oldie drafts folder post... Written almost exactly a year ago, I think... Maybe closer to the end of April... And yes, I remember that night.

There's no place I would rather be.

Except... There is somewhere I'd rather be. Things I'd rather be doing. People I'd rather see.

I'd rather be at Tehillah, worshipping with people who feel like friends even though I've never met them.
I'd rather be at my friends' school, watching plays.

I'm sitting on my bed. Writing an essay. (Okay, fine, I'm taking a quick break from writing from my head to write from my heart. It'll do me good in the long run. haha)

But... I'm glad I'm here.

I'm watching a live stream of Tehillah online while I write. It's definitely not the same, but it's better than nothing. Pastor Clay said that tonight is the night we'll look back on and say, "remember that night?"

And he didn't just say it to the people physically at Tehillah, either. He said it can happen to anyone anywhere.

So it's going to happen for me. Here. Sitting on my bed, by my open window, with the sunlight streaming in my window and reflecting off my yellow walls bathing the room in a soft buttery glow.

There's no place I'd rather be.

Than here in Your love.

I love that. Not just "In Your love."

But HERE in Your love.

Because that's where I am. I'm in Your love. And that's why I can look back on tonight and say "remember that night?". Because tonight I'm overwhelmed with Love.

I'm listening now to Pastor Claire singing, "There is nowhere else I would rather be than completely and utterly surrounded by Your presence. In the middle of Your will, in the middle of Your truth, in the middle of Your love. Right here."

And I'm not there in that room- I'm here.

But that's where I am. In the middle of His will, truth and love. And nothing else seems to matter.

Do you know why I'm here?

There's this man. He's 60 years older than me, and I recently found out that he's known my family for 4 generations before me. (I didn't find this out until I had seen him at Tehillah every week for almost a year!)

When I watch him worship with such faithfulness, I can't help thinking, "wow, I want to live out my life and faith like that guy."

He's turned into a little faith hero of mine.

I approached him the other night and told him so.

His face lit up, "Thank you! But do you know why I'm here?"

Why is he always here? Its loud and crazy... and almost everyone else is under 25... Why are you here?

He looked almost giddy, "if I'm not here, I might miss something amazing God might do!"

God is always at work, obviously. And no matter where you go, you'll have opportunities to see Him at work. And I know He's always with me... But its different when you're with others that share that passion, isn't it?

Isn't there a promise that where two or more are gathered in His name, He'll be there, too? (Matt. 18:20)

I don't want to miss a gathering of God's people, because when those people gather, the Spirit will be there, too. And when He shows up, who knows what might happen.

Who Brings Our Chaos Back Into Order?

The first time I really listened to Jeremy Riddle's "This Is Amazing Grace" was the first night of Tehillah Extended... The same Sunday pastor Brad had spoken in my church about the Holy Spirit.

God answered questions that night.

Questions about Tongues... Questions about order and chaos... Maybe I'll get into them all one day (ha. Tehillah extended was in September and I'm only posting this now!)

And as we sang this song,  a line jumped at me... "Who brings our chaos back into order?"

See, I've often felt, in my church more than at Tehillah, but it happens in both...

That we feel the need to control the Spirit.

The Spirit can move us, but only a certain amount... After that, we need to regain order. Right?

"Who brings our chaos back into order?"

This line contradicts that altogether... WE are not orderly.
We're the source of chaos.

HE brings US back into order, not the other way around.

I think our view of chaos is is different than what God thinks chaos is.

To us, chaos is based on appearance. Isn't it?

The kids are all sitting in their assigned squares quietly. Order.

The kids are running around screaming. Chaos.

But God sees kids falling into sin... Chaos.

He sees children worship Him and surrendering their lives. Order.

Why can't we see our chaos through His eyes?

"Success isn't trying harder - it's surrendering more."

So is "order" what comes when we surrender our lives to the One who breaks the power of sin and darkness, Who shakes the earth with holy thunder and Who rules the nations with truth and justice?

I can't sing this song with all the words of this sing without thinking that this must be the case.

The song itself makes no mention of surrender... But maybe true worship in itself is surrender.

Absence.

I attended the Kingdom Prayer Conference the other weekend.

Wow.

I have so much to write about it that it'll probably be coming up in many posts... But I'm going to share one story for now.

The pastor was talking about unhealed people, saying that they experience Glory just as much as those who are healed.

Agreed.

He went on the talk about those who felt God's presence. And those who felt absence. And continued with the fact that Jesus can be glorified even in the absence of God.

Which I didn't really understand at first, but I think I get it. Like the sermon Pastor Brad shared in church this morning, the response is what either glorifies or doesn't glorify God.

He asked those who had felt God's absence lately to stand up and for everyone else to pray for them.

I got a little bit cocky, maybe. "I've got this. Me and the Holy Spirit are close, we talk all the time. What even is absence?"

Okay, maybe I didn't think all that. But something along those lines.

But as I stood and prayed for another girl, something shifted... And I slowly lost the words I was praying and I went and sat down.

At first, I wanted to run home. "That's enough Tehillah for tonight!" But that wouldn't have been right.

The band started playing Oceans and maybe I've written this before, or maybe I haven't, but that song is hard to sing.
I don't mean musically, I mean spiritually.

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders... Let me walk upon the waters wherever You would call me... Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior."

See? Difficult.

But I can do it.
Sometimes it takes me till the second time 'round, but I can do it.

Not this time.

I didn't/couldn't open my mouth to sing one word of that song.

And it scared me - it was the farthest and untrusting I had felt in a long time.

The song ended, and the worship leaders exchanged looks of "Are we done yet?"

I felt so unsettled. That wasn't it, was it? It couldn't be.

One of them said, "I don't know, are we done? You tell me!" and the other said, "Okay, I've got one more."

Amanda Cook started playing Closer.

This song I *could* sing.

And the coldness melted away.
And He was there - or at least, I could feel Him there - again.

It felt like a little lesson.

To let me feel what absence felt like.
To show me that I could try but still lose it.
To show me that, no, I don't control Him.
To teach me how valuable His presence was and not to take it for granted.

The way I see myself... (I am a sinner)

... I'm a world changer.

... I'm a leader.

But sometimes, I'm scared to live it out.

The world needs changing

And I'm just... me.

I need changing as much as the world does.


I don't think I agree with this quote I seem to be seeing a lot: You're not as broken as you think you are.

I think I'm MORE broken than I view myself.

But that's the beautiful thing, isn't it?

Knowing that... Yes, I'm broken. But there's Someone who loves me regardless.


I usually don't get overly involved in discussions on facebook, but the one about Phil Robertson hit me a certain way and I couldn't help commenting on it.

Yes, what he said was something you don't hear very often and made a lot of people uncomfortable.

But it was also a stepping stone for people struggling and wanting help.

People said he was unloving, but I couldn't see it.

Sin is a funny thing.
Because even the most perfect person you can imagine has their own kind of sin - their own kind of brokenness.

We try to measure our sin against others and be better, but the truth is... We're all broken.

There's a song by All Sons And Daughters, and the chorus says, "I am a sinner, if it's not one thing its another. Caught up in words tangled in lies. But You are a savior and You take brokenness aside and make it beautiful."

I was so overcome by Love the first time I heard this song.

It's a simple concept that makes any seemingly unloving message loving.

Just because I disagree with your actions, that doesn't mean I don't love you.
In fact, I'm just as much a sinner as you are.
We're not struggling with the same sin, but I know I for one can't catch a break - if it's not this, then it's that. And when I think I've escaped one thing, another comes to take it's place.

But our brokenness, whatever it is... Can be taken aside... Taken away.

And I'm on a road to becoming beautiful.