Do you know why I'm here?

There's this man. He's 60 years older than me, and I recently found out that he's known my family for 4 generations before me. (I didn't find this out until I had seen him at Tehillah every week for almost a year!)

When I watch him worship with such faithfulness, I can't help thinking, "wow, I want to live out my life and faith like that guy."

He's turned into a little faith hero of mine.

I approached him the other night and told him so.

His face lit up, "Thank you! But do you know why I'm here?"

Why is he always here? Its loud and crazy... and almost everyone else is under 25... Why are you here?

He looked almost giddy, "if I'm not here, I might miss something amazing God might do!"

God is always at work, obviously. And no matter where you go, you'll have opportunities to see Him at work. And I know He's always with me... But its different when you're with others that share that passion, isn't it?

Isn't there a promise that where two or more are gathered in His name, He'll be there, too? (Matt. 18:20)

I don't want to miss a gathering of God's people, because when those people gather, the Spirit will be there, too. And when He shows up, who knows what might happen.

Who Brings Our Chaos Back Into Order?

The first time I really listened to Jeremy Riddle's "This Is Amazing Grace" was the first night of Tehillah Extended... The same Sunday pastor Brad had spoken in my church about the Holy Spirit.

God answered questions that night.

Questions about Tongues... Questions about order and chaos... Maybe I'll get into them all one day (ha. Tehillah extended was in September and I'm only posting this now!)

And as we sang this song,  a line jumped at me... "Who brings our chaos back into order?"

See, I've often felt, in my church more than at Tehillah, but it happens in both...

That we feel the need to control the Spirit.

The Spirit can move us, but only a certain amount... After that, we need to regain order. Right?

"Who brings our chaos back into order?"

This line contradicts that altogether... WE are not orderly.
We're the source of chaos.

HE brings US back into order, not the other way around.

I think our view of chaos is is different than what God thinks chaos is.

To us, chaos is based on appearance. Isn't it?

The kids are all sitting in their assigned squares quietly. Order.

The kids are running around screaming. Chaos.

But God sees kids falling into sin... Chaos.

He sees children worship Him and surrendering their lives. Order.

Why can't we see our chaos through His eyes?

"Success isn't trying harder - it's surrendering more."

So is "order" what comes when we surrender our lives to the One who breaks the power of sin and darkness, Who shakes the earth with holy thunder and Who rules the nations with truth and justice?

I can't sing this song with all the words of this sing without thinking that this must be the case.

The song itself makes no mention of surrender... But maybe true worship in itself is surrender.

Absence.

I attended the Kingdom Prayer Conference the other weekend.

Wow.

I have so much to write about it that it'll probably be coming up in many posts... But I'm going to share one story for now.

The pastor was talking about unhealed people, saying that they experience Glory just as much as those who are healed.

Agreed.

He went on the talk about those who felt God's presence. And those who felt absence. And continued with the fact that Jesus can be glorified even in the absence of God.

Which I didn't really understand at first, but I think I get it. Like the sermon Pastor Brad shared in church this morning, the response is what either glorifies or doesn't glorify God.

He asked those who had felt God's absence lately to stand up and for everyone else to pray for them.

I got a little bit cocky, maybe. "I've got this. Me and the Holy Spirit are close, we talk all the time. What even is absence?"

Okay, maybe I didn't think all that. But something along those lines.

But as I stood and prayed for another girl, something shifted... And I slowly lost the words I was praying and I went and sat down.

At first, I wanted to run home. "That's enough Tehillah for tonight!" But that wouldn't have been right.

The band started playing Oceans and maybe I've written this before, or maybe I haven't, but that song is hard to sing.
I don't mean musically, I mean spiritually.

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders... Let me walk upon the waters wherever You would call me... Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior."

See? Difficult.

But I can do it.
Sometimes it takes me till the second time 'round, but I can do it.

Not this time.

I didn't/couldn't open my mouth to sing one word of that song.

And it scared me - it was the farthest and untrusting I had felt in a long time.

The song ended, and the worship leaders exchanged looks of "Are we done yet?"

I felt so unsettled. That wasn't it, was it? It couldn't be.

One of them said, "I don't know, are we done? You tell me!" and the other said, "Okay, I've got one more."

Amanda Cook started playing Closer.

This song I *could* sing.

And the coldness melted away.
And He was there - or at least, I could feel Him there - again.

It felt like a little lesson.

To let me feel what absence felt like.
To show me that I could try but still lose it.
To show me that, no, I don't control Him.
To teach me how valuable His presence was and not to take it for granted.

The way I see myself... (I am a sinner)

... I'm a world changer.

... I'm a leader.

But sometimes, I'm scared to live it out.

The world needs changing

And I'm just... me.

I need changing as much as the world does.


I don't think I agree with this quote I seem to be seeing a lot: You're not as broken as you think you are.

I think I'm MORE broken than I view myself.

But that's the beautiful thing, isn't it?

Knowing that... Yes, I'm broken. But there's Someone who loves me regardless.


I usually don't get overly involved in discussions on facebook, but the one about Phil Robertson hit me a certain way and I couldn't help commenting on it.

Yes, what he said was something you don't hear very often and made a lot of people uncomfortable.

But it was also a stepping stone for people struggling and wanting help.

People said he was unloving, but I couldn't see it.

Sin is a funny thing.
Because even the most perfect person you can imagine has their own kind of sin - their own kind of brokenness.

We try to measure our sin against others and be better, but the truth is... We're all broken.

There's a song by All Sons And Daughters, and the chorus says, "I am a sinner, if it's not one thing its another. Caught up in words tangled in lies. But You are a savior and You take brokenness aside and make it beautiful."

I was so overcome by Love the first time I heard this song.

It's a simple concept that makes any seemingly unloving message loving.

Just because I disagree with your actions, that doesn't mean I don't love you.
In fact, I'm just as much a sinner as you are.
We're not struggling with the same sin, but I know I for one can't catch a break - if it's not this, then it's that. And when I think I've escaped one thing, another comes to take it's place.

But our brokenness, whatever it is... Can be taken aside... Taken away.

And I'm on a road to becoming beautiful.

Another one about Faith

This is a follow up of my New Years post. :)

There's this guy I know.

His name isn't Sam, but I'll call him that.

Sam goes to Tehillah. I see him quite often there, although I've maybe only conversed with him two or three times.

He seems like the sweetest guy.

Sam can't walk. He rolls down the aisle in his wheel chair, and I see him repeatedly ram his front wheels into the stage during worship.

It looks to me, but maybe I'm wrong, like a frustration and pleading with God.

The other day, I sat in the second row of the church that's grown to be a "home" to me.

The front row was empty, and like usual, there he was in his chair about a meter in front of me.

As soon as pastor Michael started playing The Lost Are Found, I knew "that line" was coming and I started choking and couldn't force my voice to sing any further into the song. So I just watched. I watched Sam.

The lost are found

The blind will see

The lame will walk

And just as these words were sung, he raised both of his hands in one, beautiful action of faith.

I didn't see what happened next because my eyes filled with tears, but I know the words that came.

The dead will live

And You, our God - forever You will reign.

I didn't know what to feel in that moment. Sam, to me then, was the bravest and most faithful man I've ever met.

And I didn't know how to feel because if you would have asked me if I believed that the lost can be found, I would have answered yes.

Is it possible for the blind to see? Yes.

Can Jesus make the lame walk? Yes.

Can the God who raised Jesus from the dead raise others? Yes.

I remember someone once telling me that these were things I could only "think" I believed. And until I was put in a harder situation, I would never *really* know whether or not I truly believed them.

I returned that if that were true, I hoped God would strike me down with a terrible illness or cause me to get injured in some way. And I don't say that lightly.

But then how can the man sitting in a wheel chair, unable to walk...

Have faith that I can only stand in awe of? He can't even walk himself, yet he fully believes that God could make him walk.

I think that's what this verse is for: I believe; help my unbelief.

God can fill me with faith no matter what my situation is or isn't.

Faith doesn't vary with your situation.

I'm standing behind him... Able to walk, able to see... And I'm alive. You'd think in this scenario, I have the "easier" job. Yet I choked on the words that he raises his hands in surrender to.

Pastor Michael spontaneously started to sing, "we believe, God, help our unbelief."

And went back to the chorus.

The lost are found, the blind will see, the lame will walk, the dead will live.

You, our God, forever You will reign.

"I believe; help my unbelief."

They say...

"They say Aslan is on the move."

And going into this year, I can't help but believe it, too.

Where to begin?

I'm not sure if I'm supposed to start by reviewing 2013 or talking about the new year before us!

I don't have a New Years Resolution.

I have a couple goals for the year that I suppose could fall into that category, but I'm not labeling them that.

This year I want to graduate.
I want to start my college education.
I want to change the lives of those around me.
I want to encourage.
I want to learn - beyond the last semester of high school and the first of college.
I want to read the entire Bible in as short an amount of time as I can. (I'm aiming to start the day school ends and read cover to cover before August - under 40 days. Wish me luck! I'm prepared to read for hours every day. haha!)
I want to unleash, in a way new to me, this passion that's building up inside of me.

But instead of New Years *resolutions*... What about a New Years set of beliefs? One of the pastors at Tehillah encouraged us to do this, with his theme verse being, "I believe; help my unbelief." (Mark 9:24)
Could there be a more beautiful theme verse for entering a new year? I think not.

Not that I'm changing what I believe this year, just a reevaluating.
To list everything would take too long and I doubt anyone would actually read to the bottom, but here's a couple:

This year, stepping into 2014, I believe in prayer.
I believe in love.
I believe that God is good.
I believe that greater things are yet to come.

I believe "Aslan" is on the move.

Death

When I was younger, I had anxiety about death and the end of the world.

I broke down to my mom one night, and she told me to pray for peace.

So every night when I could feel panic rising, I would.

And it took awhile before I actually felt the peace I was pleading for. But one day, I realized I wasn't worried anymore.

The world could have ended right then. I was ready.

Maybe that's why, now, I'm always attracted to songs about deaths defeat.

There's this one song on the Tides album (Bethel Music) and it has this line, "Now death where is your sting? Our resurrected King has rendered you defeated."

I love that. I feel like Brian Johnson is looking death straight in the eye and defying it when he sings it. A "punch in the face", if you will.

I love that.

I'm on the winning side.

(I, after writing this, found a video of Brian Johnson calling this song a "punch in the face to the devil... In a really good way." We're in the same mindset, me and Mr. Johnson. haha)